From the Case Files

10:41pm: Prompt #46 Who or what is your worst enemy and why?
Prompt #46 Who or what is your worst enemy and why?

Enemies? You want to hear about enemies? About Frankie Zuko and Victoria? About my father? Abut every lousy person who has ever tried to hurt me? Yeah they are all my enemies but they;re the ones you can do something about. They're the ones you can ignore, the ones you can move on from, the ones you can talk back to. There's only one enemy that gets to you and that's yourself. You can;t get away form yourself, and I know I've tried.

If you're lucky though, really lucky you get someone who can help you with that enemy. I was lucky like that. I think I can beat my worst enemy, I can beat that little voice inside telling me I will never do anything good. Maybe it was my father that put it there but I didn't have to listen to it and now, I don't. Thanks, Benny.

10:40pm: Prompt #45 - a simple question makes you look away...
Prompt #45 - a simple question makes you look away...

Why did I shoot him? That's a question that I've asked myself everyday since it happened. Every single day of my life. Just like I ask why Irene had to die, why Frank took that shot. I want to know why I got lucky enough to know Fraser and why I ended up nearly killing him. It's not one question, it's one word: why?

That's the question that starts everything. I don't know why. I wish I did.

10:39pm: Prompt # 44 What will they say about you after you're gone?
Prompt # 44 What will they say about you after you're gone?

You know I'd like Fraser to deliver my eulogy. I know it;s selfish, me going first and leaving him to say what a great guy I was but I trust Benny. I know he'd make me sound good but I know he's be...fair, balanced. I know that at least held have something good to say. I figure that after I'm gone not everybody would be that complimentary, you know?

I'd like to think I've not lived a bad life. I mean I've helped a few people. I've not killed anybody. Okay, I've not killed anybody good, but I've been a cop, sometimes you have to do stuff like that, right? To protect people sometimes you have to do things you might not like. You might have to do bad things to stop bad guys.

I just hope people would remember the good stuff. That they don't remember a loser who only did anything good because of his Mountie friend. I mean Benny helped but I like to think I can do stuff on my own. He'd make me out to be a good man after I'm gone and if I try now, I'm going to be that man., because Benny doesn't lie and I'm not going to make him lie when I'm dead.

10:36pm: Prompt # 43 Reasons you do the job you do.
Prompt # 43 Reasons you do the job you do.

Why do I do the job I do? I don''t know, to rescue the girl, stop the bad guy...No I became a cop...I became a cop because I didn't want to wind up the way my father did. In the neighbourhood I grew up in there weren't many career options. I could have gone and worked for Frankie. I could have pretended to be somebody but I didn't want to do that.

I didn't want to wind up spending all my days in the pool hall, or my nights in some seedy bar. I wanted to do something else with my life, something different to Pop. You know the best part? My father hated the idea of me being a cop. It was the one thing I did that he couldn't stop me from doing.

I get to help people, not hurt them. I get to put the bad guys away. It's not been easy but it's worth it. It's worth it.

10:34pm: Prompt #42 Write something on the theme of betrayal
Prompt #42 Write something on the theme of betrayal

You know when you love someone so much they hurt you so deeply you don't know if you can ever forgive them? Then you shoot them, accidentally, and you realise you betrayed them? Yeah, it doesn't happen often. I guess Benny betrayed me because he was going with her. I know it;s dumb, I mean why wouldn't he go with her? He loved her. And I shot him.

I saw a gun in her had but I still shot Fraser. I didn't mean to but I did, Maybe I should have just let him go with her. It hurt, it hurt that he chose her but I didn't have to...I was angry at him, I was angry at him for being with her, for choosing her, If he had gone with her I would have lost my home, my job but I would have lost Benny.

That's what hurt the most. I betrayed him, maybe he betrayed me, We hurt each other, we really hurt each other. We've forgiven each other, tried to, no we have. I know I will never betray him again. I just I hadn't that first time.

10:28pm: Prompt #41 Tell about one of the happiest moments in your life
Prompt #41 Tell about one of the happiest moments in your life

It sounds wrong but the happiest moment in my life was at Fraser's apartment, sharing a pizza, talking about Inuit tales. Yeah, I know there's plenty of other things I could pick but just...Fraser talked about stuff that night, he talked about his family, I saw the guy smile when he told some weird story about how the sled dogs ate his longjohns. When he's happy, I feel happy.

Pretty much every time he smiles it a happy moment. Okay, so it sounds sappy but it is. Basketball is another happy moment we had. When I was two baskets down and managed to score a winner. Or on a stakeout, it's cold and boring and then Fraser tells you about polar bears. Yeah, it's hard to explain that but I just feel happy now, for the first time in my life I'm happy.

The ruined suits are worth it.

2:18pm: Prompt #40 - Confidence
Prompt #40
My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing.

- Jessica Alba


I used to think I was looking confident. I had the clothes, the attitude. I liked people to think that I didn't care what they thought, you know? Was I confident? Nah. I thought I was a screw up, that I was no good at my job. I mean I was, I am. I made detective, I was solving cases without a partner. I might have looked confident but I didn't feel it. I didn't feel confident in what I was doing. I thought people would find me out. See the real me, the truth.

Then along comes this Mountie and he's confident, well he looks it. He can stand in front of a guy with a gun and not even flinch. He knows he can cope with situations, he can control how he's feeling. You might think he's the opposite of me but you know I know Benny gets scared when he;s talking a man down, he doesn't show it but he feels it.

He gives me confidence. Not in the way I know he can talk a criminal into giving himself up. I mean that's part of it but he gives me confidence because he has faith in my abilities. He thinks I am a good cop and his confidence means I get confident. Yeah, it might not make a lot of sense but it does to me and I think it does to him. He does some crazy stuff but he knows I'm there to back him up. I'm there to back him up because I'm not a bad cop, I'm confident I can do my job and do it well and that's because of Benny.

2:15pm: Prompt #39 - Where you've been
Prompt #39
"You don't mind where you are because you know where you've been..." - Carbon Leaf

Where I've been? I've lived in Chicago my whole life. It's not like I'm anywhere different. Is this like a metaphor? Yeah, like one of those Inuit Stories Benny tells about otters meeting wolves in the forest. Okay so where have I been? I suppose I've been...I don't know. I've been some places I don't want to think about.

Everybody has things they don't want to think about, places they don;t want to remember. I mean you want to move on, you don't want to have to think about it. I know I don't but I guess...Fraser says it's good to talk about stuff like this and I have, to him. So what places have I been that I don't want to think about? You want a list?

I still remember being under the bed where Pop wouldn't find me, or on the bed, feeling eighty years old. I don't want to remember those places. I didn't want to be there, but I do. So I don't mind being where I am because I'm finally happy, you know? For the first time in my life I can say I'm happy. I like my job, I have a great family, I've got Benny, friends. Yeah this is a better place to be. Maybe having been there I can appreciate where I am, you know?

I can look back on where I was, metaphorically, and make sure I don't take where I am for granted. Yeah, that works.

2:11pm: Prompt #38 - Dinner
Prompt #38
Write about your muses favorite food. Describe a complete dinner from their point of view.

Dinner?

Okay dinner..well there's three things I can do for dinner. The first one is taking Benny to my house for dinner. Yeah, the full Vecchio dinner. My mother would fuss over him, my sister would hit on him, and the rest of my family would just give him that panicked look on his face. Yeah, I mean he enjoys it, well he says he does, and I like having him around. He's getting better at coping with all the questions my family throws at him. Well, not Francesca, but she just can't take the hint.

A better dinner is just the two if, well and Dief. We could go to a restaurant, maybe something fancy. Chinese or Italian, we both like them. Benny can even order in Chinese, yeah I know. If we;re going out Benny will wear his uniform, maybe red or the brown. All depends how formal it is. Not that I'm complaining because he looks good in red.

Maybe we'd just have a quiet one in Benny's apartment, order in. Usually a pizza. We have to get two these days because otherwise begs and begs and a begging wolf is not something you want to have to cope with when you're trying to eat. Fraser even gets out plates, we can't just eat out of the box. He used to try and eat the pizza with a knife and fork but then he realised pizza is supposed to be eaten with your hands.

Yeah that's the best sort of dinner. It's quiet, it's the two of us and Dief. Benny makes me pay the full price even if the guy is ten minutes late and the pizza is cold. Chicago style deep dish pizza and an evening with Benny. It's nice. I love Ma's cooking, I mean she cooks the best polenta you've ever tasted but my family...I love them but sometimes it's nice to get away from them for one night, you know?

So, yeah, that would be my perfect dinner. It's cheap too, even if I do have to pay for Benny's half sometimes.

1:09pm: Prompt 35 - 24 hours
Prompt 35

For 24 Hours, you're given the chance to step in and take over a company, the presidency, or something else of your choosing. What do you do with that 24 hours?

Take over a company? Why would I want to do that? I mean come on you'd have to spend twenty four hours just trying to work out how to run a company. I don't know what I'd do with twenty four hours, meet with an accountant? Okay so I wouldn't take on a company.

And being the president? I'd make sure the FBI didn't screw anything up for twenty four hours. Yeah that would be really tough. I mean that would be impossible but I guess if I was the president I could try it. What else does the oresid4nt do? I mean yeah he runs the country but I bet all he does is sit in that office all day and let other people do the hard work.

That's what people in charge do right? I mean they have other people do stuff for them. Except lieutenant Welsh. I mean not that he's the president or runs a company but he runs a police department and that's a lot of work. I wouldn't want to be in charge with his job. Yeah, I work hard but with all the headaches he gets? No way.

Yeah being in charge is not the kind of thing I'd be good at. What would I do? I'd probably ask Fraser for help maybe together could do something.

1:07pm: Prompt 34 - Bullet
Prompt 34

There are people I would take a bullet for and people I would like to put a bullet in.

As a cop you're trained to shoot the bad guys, I don't care about putting a bullet in a guy who's trying to kill me. But there's one shot I wish I hadn't made. I shot Benny. I put a bullet in my best friend, the guy who I cared about more than anything. I shot him.

I wasn't aiming for him. I was aiming for a woman but he...got in the way I guess. I didn't mean to shoot him, but I did. I put a bullet in his back and nearly killed him. If I could go back, stop myself shooting him I would but I can't. If I could take that bullet out? I would. But I can't. Yeah, I can;t look at Fraser sometimes without seeing that bullet.

I guess that's why I took one for him. I would have taken a bullet for Benny before but I couldn't let him be shot again. So I took a bullet for him, I stepped in front of him. I could have shot the doctor who had the gun aimed at him but I didn't. I don't know if I would have had time, I just knew I couldn't let Fraser be shot again. It hurt but I felt like I deserved it.

I'd take a bullet for Fraser any day. I'd do that again. But I;d never out another bullet in him. Never again.

1:04pm: Prompt 33 - What Doesn't Kill Me....
Prompt 33

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not?

What doesn't kill me? Yeah that's cheerful. I mean I'd like not to be killed yeah. It's not easy being a cop and working with Benny. In the past couple of years we've risked our lives over twenty four times. Yeah more than two dozen times. We're lucky not to have been killed. There's surviving something and then there's ending up risking your life for another crazy Mountie scheme. It's like Fraser has a death wish for both of us.

Sure, we've done all right so far but we've been shot, nearly drowned, nearly frozen like horse meat, nearly blown up and that's just the highlights. How is that supposed to make me stronger? It makes me crazy is what it does. You;d think I'd I've learned by now that Fraser is guaranteed to risk our lives but do I ever say no to him? No, I don't, I just let him risk our lives.

That's not strong is it?

Okay, so it makes me feel good when we beat the odds. Yeah, that's a good feeling. Am I stronger? What does that mean? It's not like I'm suddenly this guy who can lift a car or fly across rooftops. Maybe I'm a better cop is that stronger? Stronger..emotionally? Well, not saying no isn't strong. Maybe I don't want to say no, maybe I have a death wish. Or maybe I know that with Benny, we can take on anything and win.

9:13pm: Prompt 32 - Spring
Prompt 32

It's almost spring. How does the weather or change in seasons affect your mood?

Spring? Does that mean it's warmer? No more snow, no more scraping ice of the car. You can wake up and you're not cold. Yeah spring affects me, spring makes me more relaxed. Sure there other things to worry about but at least you don't have to worry about the weather.

I mean spring in Chicago it's not like you really notice. We don't have a lot of trees, or wildlife or anything like that. Mostly you notice the sunshine. So yeah I like spring, but I don't notice it until Fraser points it out. He knows when it starts and he tells me when the first day of spring is. Sometimes the first day of spring you can't really tell it's spring but when you hear all these facts about spring you can't help but feel a bit more...happy about things.

9:10pm: Prompt 31 - Apology
Prompt 31

What have you done that you wish you could apologize for?

That's easy, shooting Benny. Yeah shooting your best friend, the guy who means more to you than your own family most days, how do you say sorry for that? How do you even begin to apologise for that? Sure I've tried. I mean I never said the words but I hope Fraser knows I wish I could take it all back.

I don't know, maybe I should say it straight out – Benny, I'm sorry I shot you. But sorry isn't enough. He needs more than that, he deserves more than that. I try and make it up to him, but I;m not sure I ever can.

I know Benny's forgiven for me but I can't forgive myself. Not until I apologise. It might take the rest of my life but I know, it'll be worth it.

9:08pm: Prompt 30 - St Valentine
Prompt 30

St. Valentine was a Priest, martyred in 269 at Rome and was buried on the Flaminian Way. He is the Patron Saint of affianced couples, bee keepers, engaged couples, epilepsy, fainting, greetings, happy marriages, love, lovers, plague, travellers, young people. He is represented in pictures with birds and roses.

Does learning this change your thoughts about Valentine's Day?

What that St Valentine was a priest? What do priests know about love? But Valentine's day....it's nothing to do with bees or the plague. And why do you need a patron saint for the plague? Is there a Patron Saint for measles? I guess love is like a disease, I mean it sends people crazy but I don't think that's anything to do with which Saint it's named after.

I guess I don;'t treat St Valentine's day like a Saints day. I mean we don't go to church or pray. It;s not even a holiday, we don't get the day off work. It's just another day where people give each other cards and flowers, that's it. It doesn't really have anything to do with a saint's day does it?

So, no, you could tell me facts about St Valentine's day and St Valentine all day. In fact Benny probably would, but it wouldn't change the day for me. The only thing that changed it? Was Fraser.

7:37pm: Prompt #29 - letter to past self
Prompt #29

Write a letter to yourself at some point in the past.

Dear Ray,

Oh this is stupid. Write a letter to myself at some point in the past, to tell myself what? To tell me my lousy father doesn’t get nay lousier? To tell me on my wedding day me and Angie are going to get divorced? Tell myself about Zuko getting beaten up twenty years after he beat up Marco? What would be the point?

I mean things get screwed up in the past; I just want to be able to move on. I don’t want to have go back and think about what I’d say to myself. What do you say to a ten year old boy crying in his room because his father’s come home drunk again? What do you say to a fifteen year old whose locked himself in his room because he’s nearly wet his pants watching his friend get beaten up? What do you say to s guy who thinks his marriage is going to last forever?

You can’t. You just have to look back on it and know you came through it.

Maybe I should warn myself about Benny. Yeah

Look, Ray, in a few minutes time this Mountie is going to turn up at your desk as about the dead Mountie case. You’re going to end up insulting him because the dead Mountie is his father but apologise, think about it. This guy is going to be the best thing to ever happen to you. Sure you’re going to ruin suits and end up dropping everything when he wants you to but it’s going to be worth it. \this guy is going to be your best friend, he’s going to be maybe even more than that.

Yeah I know a Mountie, a Canadian but he’s going to help you be a better person. He’s going to get back that feeling that you can make a difference and you’re going to make a different with him. Just be his friend, be there for him, he’s going to need you, be there for him.

Remember that, Ray.

A bit of advice from…

Ray.

7:36pm: Prompt #28 - Being Liked
Prompt 28
"If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness and, therefore, your excellence"

I used to try to be liked. I trued to get the kids at school to like me, even if it meant doing some pretty stupid things. I mean I wanted Frankie and his gang to like me which was stupid. It took me years to realise how stupid that was. After that I didn’t care if the kids liked me or not, as long as I could sleep at night and the nightmares stopped. Sometimes I think they have.

I wanted Pop to like me but he never did, not even on the day he died. I tried but I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be. I think because he didn’t even know what he wanted from me. Ma loves me but Pop never even liked me. I don’t care anymore because I don’t like him, not now, not now I realise what he was doing to me for all those years.

I never really wanted to be liked at the station. I mean I tried, I tried to fit in but I didn’t. I was too loud, I had the attitude. Laurie, my first partner, was about the only person who liked me for me. All the rest of them just saw this loud mouthed cop who was going to get burnt out in a few years and end up with IA on his back. I nearly did.

Since then there’s only been one person who’s liked me for me; Benny. Benton Fraser doesn’t care abut the attitude, he can see right through my feeble attempts at fitting in and he doesn’t care. He’s even more oddball than I am, but somehow we fit together, somehow we make sense together. And he likes me, he thinks the best of me. Whatever it takes to keep that? That’s what I’m going to do. His approval means everything.

10:33pm: Prompt # 27 Look into your heart
Prompt 27
If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear? – Confucius

What is there to fear? That I can’t see what’s wrong. I mean nobody’s heart is okay, you know? You fall in love, you get hurt. There’s going to be scars form things happened years ago. Sometimes we all wake up in the night with a pounding heart and we know that something’s wrong. We feel it, you know? I mean I’ve known I’ve put my heart through it, love, hate anger, it’s all been there.

With all I’ve done to it I’m sure my heart would have something wrong with it. Fear can healthy, stops you thinking you’re invincible. I’ve had my heart bruised too many times to think it’s okay. If I looked inside it I’d see something wrong. If I didn’t…I’d think maybe it wasn’t my heart, it would be Benny’s.

Maybe If I think of something good and keep thinking about then nothing will be wrong. If I stop dragging up the past and thinking about that, if I let myself heal a little. Then maybe my heart wouldn’t have any problems. So if I think of Benny when I’m looking at it I know I wouldn’t find anything wrong, My only fear would be that all the good he’s done for me, does for me would be gone. As long as he is around though I’m okay and yeah then there’s nothing to fear.

10:23pm: Prompt # 26 Sell your soul for love
Prompt #26
"Any man who has the guts to sell his soul for love has the power to change the world" From Ghost Rider

Sell my soul? For love? I used to think it would be easy you know. Yeah I know that sounds like I’m talking through my ego but II did. I did because I thought I knew that love was. I thought I’d have the kind of love you’d sell your soul for, no regrets, no nothing. And yeah I thought doing that would change the world. Until I realise it’s not that easy.

I mean you can bet your soul on something and find out it’s not real or it’s not what you thought it was. I would’ve bet my soul on a woman who knocked me down and nearly killed me. What kind of a guy does that? You have to make it’s the right person. I’ve thought I’ve found the right person to bet on, the one person I would sell my soul for and thought yeah it was going to change things, but in the end? It wasn’t them.

It’s crazy really but Fraser? Fraser is the one person I would sell my soul for, because him being alive and okay would change the world. I know he’s just one guy but I’d bet my soul on him. Do I love him? Yeah, like I don’t love anybody else. I’d sell my soul for Benny and I know I’d have no regrets.

8:40pm: Prompt #24 - Snow
Prompt #24 Write a prompt based around the theme of snow.

I used to hate snow. I mean really hate snow. Of course as a kid I loved it, what kid doesn’t? But when you’re a kid you don’t notice how cold it is and you don’t even care when you get hit by a snowball and your cheek gets all red and prickly feeling. If you’re really lucky a lot of snow means you get the day off school and you can play in the backyard making snowmen and trying to hit your sisters with a snowball. Snow is nothing but good stuff when you’re a kid, even when it makes you cold.

But then when you have to scrap the snow off the car to go to work in a morning, or fight your way though slow traffic when it’s snowing. When you have to clear snow off the oath or form the garage and when you have to go out in the freezing cold, then you stop liking snow so much.

When I went up to Canada that first time all there was snow. Okay so there trees and rocks but mostly it was just snow. I had to wear this crazy snowsuit, just to keep from freezing. It was deep snow too, I had to walk for miles through this deep, hard to walk through, snow, and I’d just got out of the hospital. And let’s not talk about how I leapt off a dogsled into freezing snow that got down my sweater.

So yeah me and snow? Not great friends. Until I saw how Benny liked snow. Yeah he likes it because to him it’s home. You can see him sometimes staring out at Chicago and you feel for the guy because it’s not home for him. But when it started snowing his eyes light up, you know? He’s in Chicago but if it’s snowing it’s like he has a little bit of Canada there with him. Yeah I see snow now I think it’s a bit of Canada come to visit Benny. I know it’s crazy but that’s how I feel. I’ll stand with Benny at the window and we’ll be there looking out at Canada and I’ll hug him because I’m home with him. Snow is home for me too. So I don’t hate it anymore. Sure, I still curse when I have to scrape it off the Riv but at least now I know there’s a reason for it being there. To remind me of Benny, Canada and home.

7:25pm: Prompt # 23 Do you believe in an afterlife?
Prompt #23 Do you believe in an afterlife? If so, what do you expect to find when you get there?

Do I believe in an after-life? Yeah, course I do. What was I going to say? That Ma, Father Behan and all those nuns didn’t know what they were talking about? They did. Yeah, I was brought up Catholic, taught by nuns. Sure I’ve got a bit lax in the last few years; I don’t go church that much, I got divorced from Angie but I still believe most of the stuff they taught us at Sunday School.

As a cop you see things that make you wonder of there’s a God but doesn’t stop me believing in him. So, yeah, I think there’s a heaven. Maybe it’s not made of clouds and have a big gold gate or a bunch of angels singing, but it’s there, somewhere. I’m not sure what heaven’s like, maybe it’s like a park, maybe it’s like being able to feel like a kid again, no responsibilities. Not that being a kid is easy. In heaven maybe everything is easy, maybe that’s what makes it heaven.

So if there’s a heaven, yeah, there’s a hell. You have to have both. My father isn’t in heaven so he’s got to be in hell. Or he would be in hell if he didn’t keep appearing to tell me how I’m screwing my life up. At least now he’s dead I don’t have to listen to him, I can just ignore him. Not that I listened to him when he was alive. So if there’s an after-life for my lousy father, or his ghost, whatever he is, then there’s got to be an after-life for everybody else, even me. I just hope it’s not fire and brimstone. Or that it has too many clouds.

9:30pm: RP post for Ray & Fraser
Ray sits on the couch. He's not been home long. Fraser is sitting next to him. He seems to be engrossed in reading a book and Ray isn't sure he should ask. He does so anyway.

"Hey, Benny, you busy?"

9:22pm: Prompt #22 - A Letter to my Mun
Prompt #22 Write a letter to your mun (the person that writes you). Tell them everything that's on your mind.

Dear person who writes me,

I’m not going to put dear Mun, or dear person pulling my strings, or person at a keyboard, it sounds weird. In fact this whole thing is weird but Benny’s done it so I guess I should.

Okay so I’m me or maybe not me, I don’t know which me I am and figuring it out makes my head hurt so I’m not even going to try, it’s too much like those logic problems we did in school. So I’m me and you’re you and you might be in my head or me in yours but it doesn’t matter, I don’t care.

So why am I writing to you? Well, you seem to like me. I mean you wrote me in love with Benny. As far as I know I always am but I know not everybody out there thinks that. I know you tried to keep it just friends between me and Benny but the two of us together kind of went beyond friends. You were more surprised than us I guess. But I’m glad that’s the way things have turned out – I mean it’s pretty cool. I like what we have.

So, yeah, keep up the good work or something.

Yours Thankfully (yeah Benny told me to put that)

Ray Vecchio.

12:26pm: Prompt #21 - Untold story
Prompt #21 "There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you." - Mayay Angelou

There are some things I’m never going to tell anyone, maybe not even Benny; things about the past, my past, when I was a kid. Things about what Pop used to do when he got drunk, things he said. It’s not I’m ashamed it’s just some things like that I want to forget.

I know I’m never going to forget them; my memory is sometimes too good. I remember what he used to do; I remember how I felt as a little kid. Back then it was fear, now it’s anger. And even though I’m angry at him, think he’s a bastard I can’t stop trying to prove myself to him. I can’t stop protecting him from the rest of the world. It fine to think your own father’s an asshole but not anybody else’s.

So I’ve never told anyone stories about what he did. Even though it hurts to keep it all bottled up inside, not just one story, but many. It has to be. Maybe one day I'll tell, let the anger out. Maybe.

10:31pm: Prompt #20: Lyrics
When you make love, do you look in the mirror?
Who do you think of?
Does he look like me?

Yeah it’s crazy but I still wonder. Sometimes I think I’m just not good enough, you know? Like all the time he’s thinking about someone else and not me. I’m not the most attractive guy in the world, I know that but I hope he sees something he likes.

I mean come on, look at him. He’s beautiful, he’s more than beautiful. I’d embarrass him if I told you how he looked and that’s what he sees in the mirror, that’s what I see when we make love. What I see in the mirror is what he sees. It’s not I don’t like what I see in the mirror but I can’t compare.

I don’t know what he thinks of but, Benny, I hope you think of me.